So. I’m trying to become more aware of myself but not too absorbed by myself, I find it tricky to balance the two. (Trouble moderating? All or nothing? MOI?)
I know I’m a people pleaser and deeply insecure and there’s not enough praise in the world to fill that need in me but the thing is, I’m the only one that knows about this. The world that is existing outside of my own head would describe me very differently, I can’t tell you how many times people tell me about their first impression of me or describe me to a friend and I burst out laughing. You know that incredulous snortpiggylaughter? That’s how I sound. Anyway, I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember. This obsession of categorizing behaviour, traits, clothes, music, literature, interests, hobbies, upbringing, relationships, class, politics, weight, hair, food, (The list really goes on and on. If it exists – it’s on my list) into good and bad. For example the fact that I am a very sensitive, insecure, needy and lazy person. All of these traits are on my very personal BAD-list so therefore I have been fighting these feelings all of my life and if I haven’t been able to change it then at least I have made sure that no-one knows about it and I have basically been roleplaying another person since I was five. Not to say I’m completely fake, no, but there are many sides of my true self that I’ve hidden and acted against and I don’t think there’s one person that really knows me. Hmmm, and still I wonder why I feel so all alone even though I’m surrounded by people all the time?
It’s obv. back to the fear again. Back to those feelings (that I have no access to but am convinced are hanging around there somewhere in the Id) of being un-loveable as is and always trying to act in a way that makes me worthy of existing. Another example: I have a sneaky suspicion that somewhere deep inside I have a secret hippiesque woman living and she’s dying to come out. My secret yearnings towards yoga and comfortable clothes and being closer to nature. The fact that I’m secretly fascinated by the fact that unbeknownst to me I apparently had my last drink when the full moon appeared on this years summer solstice. I’m very afraid of her because these things are apparently very much on the list of bad things and I’m always on guard against her and I suspect that she would take over if I give in to one of these urges to like, drink kombucha. (Don’t worry, I’d never do that. Yuck.) This is what I aim for: composed, capable, very into science and matters that you can quantify, very modern, progressive, liberal, open minded, well-read, intellectual, funny, good taste, minimalism, old money, successful (especially when it comes to things that other people would find challenging) and on and on and on and OOOOOONNNNN.
No wonder I felt the need to push the off button, devour the sauvignon blanc and just let my (hennacoloured) hair down.
I can clearly see that I need to be more true to myself and honest and I think this will be rather interesting and I’m looking forward to it but the problem is I’ve been modelling myself for so long I have lost track of what is me and what is some dumb set of rules I have forced myself to live by. I think this is partly universal, we try to appear “better” in different ways and I also think that its pretty universal to also try to make everything look easy, like it’s all just natural, that no effort has gone in to whatever it is. I think I mentioned this in one of my first post, this need in me to make everything appear so effortless. Why on earth have I put effort on my bad-list? When? WHY? Dieting, caring about how you look, putting an effort into your outfit, being vain = all VERY bad things, BUT being skinny, look very attractive, wearing expensive clothing (or rather carefully selected pieces…) are all on my very important list. So I feel the need to achieve all this but it has to appear effortless, that I just woke up like this. Gah.
I intended to write about something completely different but this is where my ramblings took me and I’m fighting against the need to compose brilliant posts that are filled with wisdom and a deeper meaning so I’m just gonna put this up here and fight against that weird perfectionistic shit. I’m doing this blogging for ME. Dear me, don’t forget that. This one’s for me.
PS 1 Three weeks since that summer solstice and full moon! I wasn’t aware of the fact that it was a special day at the time because I had consumed my own weight in bubbly but now I think it’s pretty neat.
From Wikipedia: 2016 was the first time in nearly 70 years that a full moon and the summer solstice concur on the same day.
PS 2 My cognitive self realizes I won’t become a wicca-practising vegan yogi (not that there’s anything wrong with that!) if I let my guard down for a second, I guess it comes down to not being able to let go and trust myself, to always try to control everything. I’m a work in progress for sure.