So just a quickie before I go to bed. As I’ve mentioned before I’ve tried to quit drinking a thousand times. I have a staggering amount of Day 1’s, quite a lot of Day 2’s, not so many Day 3’s and yeah, that’s pretty much where I used to get tired of the whole thing and start drinking wine again. (But THIS time it will be different, I will never have more than two glasses, never on a weekday, only on New Years Eve, never hard liquor, never more than one glass, only when I go on vacation, never beer, never more than three glasses, never red wine, always drink two glasses of water, never start before 5 pm etc etc etc etc ad infinitum.)
My more recent attempts were of the more desperate kind, I did some new things that had always been a no-no, I drank more, I blacked out every time I drank, I cried more, I was on the verge of giving up and at the very end I started having thoughts of just quitting. Not quitting drinking, oh no, quitting trying and failing and trying and failing. I started to think that maybe this was it, I was doomed to drink away all the wonderful things that have been given to me. To destroy everything.
After my last attempt I realized that just taking away something wouldn’t work, that was why I was white knuckling it, I just took away the only coping mechanism I knew and expected to pull it off. I knew I had to add something else if I wanted it to stick. So I tried a few things. They didn’t work. This time I tried another thing: you. This Soberverse I didn’t even know existed. I went international and found a world of women just like me. I didn’t feel all alone anymore. My feelings and choices were validated and I have the opportunity to learn from those that are seniored soberistas and to fight alongside those of us that are in the early stages. This was adding something new. This was powerful. You know that whole ‘doing the same thing over and over again and expect differents results’? Yeah, that used to be me.
I need to change things, I need to add things, I need to get out of my comfort zone (who in all honesty is the smallest little box there is) and try new stuff. Tonight I got invited to a soccer game. And I’ve never been that into sports (remember me being somewhat of a snob and a former journalist who used to get paid to tell people how to dress/what to listen to/where to eat? Yeah so I was also very much a person who despised groups of men running after balls. Sport kills and all that.), but I just said YES. And to make it even weirder? We had to take our bikes to the stadium. I was to ride a bike after not being on one in … 10 years? So I did this. I took my second oldest son with me, we rode our bikes to the game, and you know what? I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. Then we rode our bikes home in the warm summer evening and I was content. Didn’t wanna be anywhere else. Ah. New things. Changes! I love them. (And apparently I also love football and biking and because I am who I am I have already purchased tickets to the 4 coming home games. Yay!)
Good night you wonderful, wise, troubled, spiritual, fantastic beings. I’m so happy and honored to be allowed to take part in your lives and the struggle that is being a human being.