Things I am afraid of (a small selection): That to remain sober I need to become a very boring person that only posts inspirational quotes on my instagram, believe in any kind of god or higher power, lose my sense of humor and become very zen and not judgmental and well, boring. I have a rather dark sense of humor and there’s an edge there that I really like, a sharpness if you will, and I’m afraid I’ll lose that.
I need to trust myself when it comes to that, I guess it’s having lived a whole life of all or nothing that convinces me that I can not moderate anything, not even my personality. I’ll just need to sit back and relax and dare to put some trust in myself. RELAX GODDAMMIT. (As I write this my shoulders are basically up by my ears.)
I’ve read about the Whack-A-Mole situation which is apparently very common in early sobriety, and well, it looks like I’m no exception. I find it fascinating how strong these forces inside are, how desperately I feel the need to control/not feel/not get down to the real stuff (whatever that may be). It’s like an earthquake or a tsunami or lightning, it’s STRONG. This last week I have noticed myself slipping in to old patterns when it comes to controlling my food intake. Standing in front of the mirror sucking in my stomach, starting to weigh myself every day and generally just getting into that crap a bit more. I’ve never been anorexic but I have definitely dabbled around in the close proximity of it. I was a bulimic for a couple of years but I managed to stop that whole cycle when I got pregnant, on my own. Nobody knows of this, that may be one of my most secret secrets. I get angry with my subconscious for trying to pull me back into disordered eating as a way of numbing myself. I WANT TO FEEL STUFF. I’m ready, I want this. So why do I do this to myself.
Will go upstairs and pick up the scales and throw it out. Download that Craig Nakken book to my Kindle. And try to relax my muscles. And let go of control. (HAHA, that won’t happen but I’ll try to be aware of my thinking.)