Shame on me

I think I’ve mentioned that I studied to become a psychologist a couple of years ago? I used to make jokes (in private) that I would make a fortune becoming a therapist specializing in  wealthy art school women with daddy issues. (Basically me but with money.) To not becoming a therapist may have been one of my best decisions ever, I would have been terrible at it. At least then. I already had a name for my company; Guilt And Shame Ltd. (It’s better in Swedish though: Skuld & Skam AB) and I used to say that I’d been in the business of guilt and shame my whole life.

And that’s true. It’s the feelings that are closest to me, practically everything can throw me into a shame spiral. There’s SO MUCH SHAME. And guilt. But mostly just shame.

I saw Brene Browns TED-talk and it resonated with me (if you haven’t seen it yet: ) and I’ve read some articles but nothing has touched me the way this podcast did yesterday. I sat and listened for an hour and a half and I cried and I laughed and there were feels all over the place. These two women being so heartbreakingly honest. Can a heart break and heal at the same time? I think mine did yesterday.

It’s the Home Podcast with Laura McKowen and Holly Whitaker and they are both in recovery and I’ve read their blogs and visited Hip sobriety but there is such a power in listening to another human being talking abut these things. If I had listened to this a couple of years ago I’m afraid my heart would have been closed and the thing I would have taken from it is that I am not as bad as that, I would never do something like that to my children, I would never yada yada yada all as a sign of me not being as bad as them and therefore I could continue drinking. Yeah, always looking for things to justify the drinking. Now I realize that even though it hasn’t happened yet doesn’t mean I’m any different and certainly not “better” or less alcoholic. It’s just a matter of time. The only difference is time. If I would have continued drinking things would have gone to hell REAL fast.

If you do one thing for yourself today, let it be this. Listen to these lovely, super cool ladies. I promise you that you’ll grow and learn from it.




3 thoughts on “Shame on me

  1. I really love Brene Brown! Thanks for the podcast link, I will listen to it at bedtime. After anger, shame has the biggest impact on me physically, it feels like the whole body squashes and folds itself in total horror! It will be good to hear other women’s experience of it x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh yes, the physical waves of shame.
      I hope you’ll like it, I’m not 12-stepping so this is the closest thing I get to being in a room when someone shares. Oh the humanity and our pain. Hope you get a good nights sleep!

      Liked by 2 people

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