Ramble, bramble

So. I really felt the need to do the dishes/laundry/mow the lawn/change the beds but then I realized that what I REALLY need is this. Writing. Grounding myself, take a second to think. That’s a need. The other stuff can be taken care of later.

The main reason I thought that it would work this time was this, the writing and blogging and participating. I have already read all the alcoholic women memoirs and tried doing it by myself, that obviously didn’t work. So I need to prioritize this.

I wonder what the issue is that I am so desperately trying to avoid. What underlying pain or distorted thinking is it that makes me do all these somersaults and behaviors? I’ve been thinking about the self-hatred that comes with the drinking and I realized that maybe it does serve a purpose. It’s an isolated thing that I can hate about myself and that keeps me away from the other stuff I need to work on. Like the worrying about other peoples well-being; again, keeps the thoughts and feelings away from myself and my own pain. God, I just wish I knew what it was all about. Is it really just the fact that my father died when I was four and my stepdad when I was 7? I mean I understand that must affect a child in some way but is that really it? And I also understand that the only way for a small child to take control and try to prevent that from happening again is blaming yourself when it happens and now, 30-something years later it is just so deeply hidden and intertwined and has become a part of me that I can not reach it. Of course I know it was not my fault, of course I know that with my conscious self but how do I get in touch with that other part and tell her it’s not her fault, it’s just life being at it shittiest?

Ok, so kids running wild here. Tomorrow I’ll write about how me being the selfless martyr is in fact the most self-absorbed thing I can do, much more selfish than just saying out loud what I want. But then again then someone can say no. Gah. Must run.

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