There is a shift

that comes around the fourth or fifth day for me. That’s when I’ve been able to stay out of the winecycle for enough time to clear the mind and get some decent sleep and are once again able to make decisions on my own that are less affected by chemical/alcohol-induced anxiety.

This Saturday there will be a huge party in the neighborhood. One that I have stayed away from for four years due to, yes you guessed it, one of my worst publicly drunken incidents ever and the one that really made me try to get sober for the first time. That time it lasted 3 months.

I still get all sweaty when I think about it. Yes, the waves of shame are rolling in. Oh, I was so stupid. Everyone (except for my husband) thought I was just the life of the party (or so they have told me, who knows what they really think) but I know how close I was to doing some real stupid shit and that was the first time I REALLY realized that I can not trust myself when I’m drunk. Close call that one and as I said, it still gives me terrible anxiety. I have manipulated and lied and schemed to make sure we have been out of town for the last four years but this time the date was announced too late. I have decided to buy some NA beer and bring them and I will stay for two hours and then hopefully me AND my husband will go home and have a nice and quiet Saturday night. Oh how I wish this will happen. I do not want him to stay behind when I go home. I just want us to be able to put in an appearance and then that can replace those awful memories of the last time and I can finally move on.

 

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