Sunday

FUNDAY! No, not really. More like washing, cleaning, cooking.

Forcing dirty, short humans to get in their baths. (All of a sudden it sounds like my life is a lot more like a video with Queen than it really is.) But I’m still feeling very pleased with myself. I guess it’s the feeling of hope and longing at the same time which is a lot nicer of a place to be in rather than my usual self-hating misanthropy lovely Sunday self.

I am slightly afraid of something. If I can manage to get sober and start sorting my stuff out I will likely be a much more demanding person because then there will not be so many obvious reasons to hate myself and then maybe I will start to think that I deserve some things. I am not sure how my husband will react to all of this. He is the nicest man I have ever met, but he’s a man. That means he always thinks that he is worth something and I have now been a very good wife (in some aspects at least) and have desperately been trying to make atonement for my drinking. I have cleaned, and cooked, and washed and taken so much responsibility when it comes to the children and so forth but in my heart I have never ever been the kind of person that enjoys cooking and cleaning and always being taken for granted. I wonder how all of this will pan out. And oh, yes, I forgot. One day at a time. That really is a tricky one, as basic as it sounds.

 

 

 

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4 thoughts on “Sunday

  1. I think you made an excellent point: when we deal with out “stuff” and get better, it makes us actually realize what we deserve. It will be hard, but keep it up. I admire what you’re doing. You’re brave, and you are to be commended.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hello! Happy to read you are giving this another go. Men do have insecurities but hide them better because that is how they are socialized. Being honest with your husband is the best way to start with this. You won’t get very far by pasting on a fake smile and saying “EVERYTHING’S FINE REALLY NO PROB HERE!!” You have been sending him mixed messages for a while- bring me booze, no don’t, I can’t drink, wait- I actually can. My suggestion is to have the chat with him where you admit where you are with alcohol, how you think it’s damaging you and your relationships and how you think quitting will help you and see where he is. He might support you but not join you, or might say HOLY CRAP ME TOO. In any event at least you’ll know where you stand and you won’t be crushed by the fear.
    Stay with it! It’s so worth it, all of it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I actually have had the talk with him, several times, but as I think I may have mentioned before he is in some REAL denial about my situation. All of his life things has always had a way of just … working out for him. I sometimes say that it’s like he’s anointed (apologies to all religious people for taking your things out of context) because nothing bad has ever happened to him and I think that the thought of him marrying a neurotic alcoholic just doesn’t seem plausible. Hence the denial and him so, SO badly wanting to believe me when I manipulate and try to tell him that these Moule marinière REALLY deserve to be accompanied to their last rest with some nice, white sauvignon. I have sent him extremely mixed signals, yes, and for that I apologized yesterday. I have a sneaky feeling that he also thinks that things have gotten out of hand and maybe even have started to think about his own love for getting rather intoxicated. Me possibly starting to speak up for myself more … I don’t think he has fully understood to what extent my shame has made me go up at 4 and just try to repent by baking bread/cleaning/walking the dog etc. Maybe that is the talk I need to have with him. Thank you, SuburbanSuperBetty, I’ll do that. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      • This is all really hard! And also complicated, no easy fixes. But! You are moving forward through the hard stuff. I think you hit it with denial and his may be more “oh fuck if she’s got a problem maybe I have one too and I DON’T THEREFORE SHE DOESNT” . Anyhoo, can’t go around it, can’t go over it, gotta go through it. You can do this!!!

        Liked by 2 people

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