In the dark

I’ve had insomnia since I was 10 years old. I used to get so frazzled around 9 pm and start to panic that I wouldn’t be able to do well at school or not hear the alarm or … we all know it really doesn’t take much to get stressed out when it’s getting late. Anyway, I’ve had it for a long time, sometimes it gets better, sometimes worse, I’m used to it. BUT the wine-induced waking up at 4 in a total state of panic and then just try to desperately soothe yourself and if you’re lucky be able to fall back asleep for an hour before the alarm goes off, that my friends REALLY is the most exhausting thing in all of this I think. And then try to pretend all day that you’re in fact not the slightest bit hung over (nossirrre bob because then someone may suspect something, maybe someone will start to notice that you really do seem to spend an awfully long time in the kitchen whenever you go out there to “just check on something I remembered”, maybe I need to completely and utterly admit how shitty my life has become) and try to make amends and perform and be a loving wife and a supportive and caring mother and the perfect employee all while you are just counting down the hours until you start to feel like a human being again. All those days. ALL THOSE DAYS just spent on trying to survive in stead of live. And then you die.

This night I fell asleep like a baby (What kind of baby is that anyway? And why didn’t I get one of those that just happily sleeps all night?). Out like a light. Then I woke up at midnight by my youngest one but managed to fall back asleep just to wake up again at 2, and this time I knew it was for real. But you know what? Being the only one awake in the wee hours when you’re supersober isn’t that bad at all! You can pick up your Kindle and give those books the attention they deserve, you can open up the windows and look at the stars, you can laugh out loud when the husband and the huge dog synchronize their snoring and the sound is just UNBELIEVABLE or you can just enjoy that amazing feeling of NOT having severe anxiety. I was grateful, I really was, for being able to just be awake and not having to hate myself so much.

 

PS apparently this is how you spell anything you’d like: (well there’s no Å, Ä or Ö but I have a feeling we don’t need them today)

 

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