Just a quick note to myself that things actually DO change. Today was the first day I experienced something new. The absence of things like: the constant angst, the waking up, the intense self-loathing – sure I notice them as well but they’re not add-ons, they’re just absentees and therefore a lot more subtle. Anyway. Today when I went to pick up my youngest one she handed me a note that she had written all by herself. She just turned five and her interest in letters and reading is rather new so I was very surprised. The note was a very pretty pink and purple one with butterflies and then she had written JAG ÄLSKAR DIG MAMMA. I love you mum. And not to be all braggy, but I have received these lovely notes before, because all children love their mothers even when they happen to be neurotic alcoholics with a tendency to sulk and tell them to clean their rooms. And I’ve said thank you and appreciated it. Anyway. Today I actually teared up. Just out of the blue. She was so happy and proud and I felt. I FELT. FEELINGS! And they were of the good kind. Now I’m tearing up again. Jesus, I have been so shut off for so long. Today I am grateful. And I love her too. More than I know.