and I’m calling it a sober gift to myself but it’s really just the best good damn coffee cup I’ve seen in a long time. I’ll never give up my caffeine OR be able to speak in full sentences before my first cup in the morning.
Have a wonderful day, sober peeps. I love you.
PS I’m really doing this, I’m really on my way to 100 days. It’s unbelievable!
I’m sorry for doing that crappy blog thing where you cry out in a dramatic voice and then go AWOL. Obviously things got better just a couple of days after my last post because apparently feelings are not in fact a fixed constant – they pass. Who knew! Took one thing at a time and just dealt with them. Made my relationship with dear husband my number one priority because if he and I aren’t in a good place all the rest will quickly fall down and crumble. So now we’re working on US. Being extra nice, talking about everything and trying our best not to be judgemental and instead being supportive. We’re actually the best team ever – we just got caught up in everyday life and also always putting everything else first and us last because “our love is so strong we can handle everything”. Said every divorced couple ever. So anyway. Back in love, back on track.
Another thing happened. A woman I barely know, more of a ‘we have lots of friends in common and she interviewed me once so now we’re friends on facebook’-know, came out as an alcoholic on said facebook and it BLEW MY MIND. See, she’s pretty much the coolest girl/woman/witch I have ever laid my eyes on. She’s a published author, rap-connaiseur extraordinaire, cool, funny, tattooed, citizen of the world and … well all things cool and admirable I guess. So anyway, she posted an update saying that there’s enough shame around this subject so she just wanted everyone to know that she had done six meetings in six days and from now on she will be sober. First of all – I was just floored by how brave she was. Second – of course she got so much love and support it was insane. Third – to me, she’s still all these things first and then lastly she also happens to be an alcoholic. The alcoholism does not in any way negate all those wonderful things I think about when I think about her. And that just made my brain adjust a little, a small revelatory click. Maybe I can see myself a little bit more like I see her? I.e the fact that I used to drink way too much maybe doesn’t necessarily mean that all my good traits are negated and replaced with BAD ALCOHOLIC PERSON who may or may not also be nice sometimes but that doesn’t count because I failed and became a drunk. I love her even more now I know, now that she dared to be weak in front of everyone, now that I know we’re more a like than I ever would have thought.
I need to get back to reading the blogs, I mustn’t make the same mistake I have made in the past – this stuff needs maintenance. 54 days today! Yay me!
Have been invited to lots of parties lately and the all encompassing feeling is a deep sense of relief that I know I won’t make a complete arse of myself. I won’t, and I KNOW I won’t. Before I was so afraid I’d get to drunk and I’d try to control it in every way I could think of (except NOT DRINK, that was apparently not an option) and I’d fail oh so many times and feel so much shame. Oh the shame. Now, I might get bored because because let’s face it, not all parties are fun these days, but that’s the absolute worst possible outcome. That’s a pretty god damn good thing to have as an absolute worst. Before, when I was drinking, I don’t even know what could have been the worst. Blackout, flirting, peeing myself, eternal shame and of course embarrassing my children by being the drunk mom that the other parents don’t want their kids to hang out with. Oh, and maybe falling down some stairs. Talking about politics and distribution of wealth and being very inappropriate. Endless possibilities of shittyness. And now: Maybe I will get bored.
I can handle boredom. Bring on the bore!
But I feel defeated.
Still sober, just the occasional PANG of a sudden romanticised picture of me laughing with a glass of wine and enormously enjoying my life which of course is a lie but still evokes that sadness in me. The feeling that is the absolute constant in my life right now. I feel so fucking SAD. My two boys are having some troubles and I feel unable to help and support them in the correct way. We have reached out and are seeing therapists and there are meetings, meetings, meetings with the school and counsellors and teachers and in the middle there’s me, my husband and my boys. The girls are not getting a lot of attention at the moment and I’m not being a very nice mother to any of them because I feel so overwhelmed all the time and my life seems like it is one long walk on a muddy path and each step I take is yanking one foot out of the mud just to realise I have to put it down in yet another puddle of mud. I don’t know. I feel so alone. So tired. So not able to handle any of this and the icing of this lovely cake and probably one of the biggest reasons why everything feels so overwhelming right now is that things are not very good between me and my husband. At all. We have been together for 15 years and I love him dearly but for the first time we are actually fighting. Scrapping. Not going to bed at the same time, not being very nice, not trying or wanting to understand where the other person is coming from. We are walking along side of each other but we are miles apart. I am so fucking sad.
So. Things are just piling up, seems like the universe decided it was time to stir shit up and make some changes. There’s death and divorce and disease all over the place and it just seems that everyone I know is going through a tough time at the moment.
I’m feeling sad. Really sad. I feel a true need to be comforted but I don’t know how. I want someone to stroke my hair and tell me everything will be fine.
No desire to drink but a heartfelt longing for some relief. How do you comfort yourself when you no longer can rely on external ways of numbing the feelings? As I write this I can actually see how wrong that looks, numbing is not the same thing as comforting, but I truly believe that is what I have thought all these years. Wow.
This made me cry:
Yeah. The sobriety is trotting along but the rest of life has turned rather chaotic. Nothing too big to handle but definitely stuff that needs to be handled with a clear mind and determination.
Still here. Still reading. Still get visits from Moderating Maddie who whispers in my ear that a time of crisis needs to be cushioned with a glass of wine. And hey, with these 40 days under my belt it is SO OBVIOUS I never had a real problem to begin with! Proof. Right there! NO PROBLEM. I was just being hysterical. And this time it’s not like I’d get myself drunk or anything like that, oh no, golly gosh no, me? Drunk? Uh-uh I don’t do that.
So yeah. That’s usually when I get fed up and stomp my feet on the floor.