But I feel defeated.
Still sober, just the occasional PANG of a sudden romanticised picture of me laughing with a glass of wine and enormously enjoying my life which of course is a lie but still evokes that sadness in me. The feeling that is the absolute constant in my life right now. I feel so fucking SAD. My two boys are having some troubles and I feel unable to help and support them in the correct way. We have reached out and are seeing therapists and there are meetings, meetings, meetings with the school and counsellors and teachers and in the middle there’s me, my husband and my boys. The girls are not getting a lot of attention at the moment and I’m not being a very nice mother to any of them because I feel so overwhelmed all the time and my life seems like it is one long walk on a muddy path and each step I take is yanking one foot out of the mud just to realise I have to put it down in yet another puddle of mud. I don’t know. I feel so alone. So tired. So not able to handle any of this and the icing of this lovely cake and probably one of the biggest reasons why everything feels so overwhelming right now is that things are not very good between me and my husband. At all. We have been together for 15 years and I love him dearly but for the first time we are actually fighting. Scrapping. Not going to bed at the same time, not being very nice, not trying or wanting to understand where the other person is coming from. We are walking along side of each other but we are miles apart. I am so fucking sad.