No retreat, no surrender

But I feel defeated.

why_rain_clouds_are_grey_in_color

Still sober, just the occasional PANG of a sudden romanticised picture of me laughing with a glass of wine and enormously enjoying my life which of course is a lie but still evokes that sadness in me. The feeling that is the absolute constant in my life right now. I feel so fucking SAD. My two boys are having some troubles and I feel unable to help and support them in the correct way. We have reached out and are seeing therapists and there are meetings, meetings, meetings with the school and counsellors and teachers and in the middle there’s me, my husband and my boys. The girls are not getting a lot of attention at the moment and I’m not being a very nice mother to any of them because I feel so overwhelmed all the time and my life seems like it is one long walk on a muddy path and each step I take is yanking one foot out of the mud just to realise I have to put it down in yet another puddle of mud. I don’t know. I feel so alone. So tired. So not able to handle any of this and the icing of this lovely cake and probably one of the biggest reasons why everything feels so overwhelming right now is that things are not very good between me and my husband. At all. We have been together for 15 years and I love him dearly but for the first time we are actually fighting. Scrapping. Not going to bed at the same time, not being very nice, not trying or wanting to understand where the other person is coming from. We are walking along side of each other but we are miles apart. I am so fucking sad.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “No retreat, no surrender

  1. I’m sorry to hear your many challenges right now. There are so many, is it possible to do something small to take care of you – Coffee at a shop and 20 minutes with a book? Or to share a special moment with one of your children, or with your husband – Maybe go for a walk? Or watch a movie together? You can’t fix everything at once, but doing something positive in the little things can sometimes help the big stuff. …. You may be at a point where you want to say, ‘Screw it,’ and just take a nap. That would be a bit of self-care, too. *smile* … You’re doing really well, even though it feels incredibly shitty right now. Wine would make it worse. You’re here and you’re sober, even though it sucks and it’s not easy. That’s amazing. What you’re doing is amazing. Hang in there.* -HM.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Made me sob the second time I read it as well. 🙂
      Thank you for your kind words, I am trying to sort things out and deal with stuff one person/problem at a time. And guess what? I doesn’t all look so grey and overwhelming anymore because apparently feelings don’t last forever and are not a constant being? 😉 Still learning, still trudging along.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m sending you virtual hugs…I’m so sorry you are feeling so sad:( it gets easier. the super shitty part does get better.

    ….and sending you more BIG HUGS, just because:)

    take care,
    jaded
    xo

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s