I’m sorry for doing that crappy blog thing where you cry out in a dramatic voice and then go AWOL. Obviously things got better just a couple of days after my last post because apparently feelings are not in fact a fixed constant – they pass. Who knew! Took one thing at a time and just dealt with them. Made my relationship with dear husband my number one priority because if he and I aren’t in a good place all the rest will quickly fall down and crumble. So now we’re working on US. Being extra nice, talking about everything and trying our best not to be judgemental and instead being supportive. We’re actually the best team ever – we just got caught up in everyday life and also always putting everything else first and us last because “our love is so strong we can handle everything”. Said every divorced couple ever. So anyway. Back in love, back on track.
Another thing happened. A woman I barely know, more of a ‘we have lots of friends in common and she interviewed me once so now we’re friends on facebook’-know, came out as an alcoholic on said facebook and it BLEW MY MIND. See, she’s pretty much the coolest girl/woman/witch I have ever laid my eyes on. She’s a published author, rap-connaiseur extraordinaire, cool, funny, tattooed, citizen of the world and … well all things cool and admirable I guess. So anyway, she posted an update saying that there’s enough shame around this subject so she just wanted everyone to know that she had done six meetings in six days and from now on she will be sober. First of all – I was just floored by how brave she was. Second – of course she got so much love and support it was insane. Third – to me, she’s still all these things first and then lastly she also happens to be an alcoholic. The alcoholism does not in any way negate all those wonderful things I think about when I think about her. And that just made my brain adjust a little, a small revelatory click. Maybe I can see myself a little bit more like I see her? I.e the fact that I used to drink way too much maybe doesn’t necessarily mean that all my good traits are negated and replaced with BAD ALCOHOLIC PERSON who may or may not also be nice sometimes but that doesn’t count because I failed and became a drunk. I love her even more now I know, now that she dared to be weak in front of everyone, now that I know we’re more a like than I ever would have thought.
I need to get back to reading the blogs, I mustn’t make the same mistake I have made in the past – this stuff needs maintenance. 54 days today! Yay me!
Have been invited to lots of parties lately and the all encompassing feeling is a deep sense of relief that I know I won’t make a complete arse of myself. I won’t, and I KNOW I won’t. Before I was so afraid I’d get to drunk and I’d try to control it in every way I could think of (except NOT DRINK, that was apparently not an option) and I’d fail oh so many times and feel so much shame. Oh the shame. Now, I might get bored because because let’s face it, not all parties are fun these days, but that’s the absolute worst possible outcome. That’s a pretty god damn good thing to have as an absolute worst. Before, when I was drinking, I don’t even know what could have been the worst. Blackout, flirting, peeing myself, eternal shame and of course embarrassing my children by being the drunk mom that the other parents don’t want their kids to hang out with. Oh, and maybe falling down some stairs. Talking about politics and distribution of wealth and being very inappropriate. Endless possibilities of shittyness. And now: Maybe I will get bored.
I can handle boredom. Bring on the bore!