I remember back in August when I read one of Ginger Groundhogs posts and she was at day 96 and doing some kind of countdown I guess. It seemed impossible, completely impossible for me to ever reach a hundred. Now I’m on day 95.
The last week or maybe two have been hard. During the days 30-80 the cravings almost disappeared and only entered my mind when I was under ridiculous stress. But these last two weeks have been strange. Lots of thinking of drinking again. My brain started to look for ways to persuade me that a small relapse would be good, even beneficial (!), for a longtime sobriety. Skewing facts. Intense cravings. I wonder if it’s a natural part of the process or a fear of success or just the fact that there’s a lot of emotional stress in my life right now. As always a combination I guess.
My mind is filled with thoughts of sorrow and fear and vulnerability and creating a new identity. It’s mostly fascinating but also painful at times.
I remember very little of my childhood but I do remember watching Dr Doolittle and longing/wishing/WANTING to be him. To live in that pink shell and be surrounded by animals. It’s a vivid image in my mind, that pink shell. To be able to communicate with animals was my birthday wish for more years than I’d care to admit and at least one of my children has inherited this intense love of animals, that intensity unfortunately makes most animals shy away and it’s so hard for me to see her wanting them to love her SO BADLY and then see them turn to me instead. I’m having issues when it comes to communicating with this child of mine, in so many ways she’s a MiniMe. She looks just like me but has a whole other sense of self and is extremely stubborn and loud. So there’s this discrepancy between our likeness and our differences that really provokes me. Makes me angry with her. Instead of showing her and telling her how she should act around our dog, and telling her I know all this because I was just like her and it was such a sorrow in my life that all our animals always preferred my mother – I get annoyed with her for doing it WRONG. I’m so very stupid and immature at times.
I really need to start therapy and I think I am finally ready. I haven’t dared before, just because I’ve been convinced they would take my kids away if I ever were to admit having a problem with alcohol. But now I can talk about all this in past tense and wouldn’t have to guard every word and by that making the therapy based on deceit and fear instead of honesty and trust.
I have a friend who has some serious control issues. I mean they’re pretty much up to par with my own and she told me something her therapist had told her to ask herself every time she got anxious and feeling the need to micromanage other people:
“What am I afraid of?”
I do believe, with every piece of my soul, that fear is what lies under almost everything. Every bad decision, every dysfunctional coping strategy, every illogical outburst of anger or pet peeve or judgement of others. There’s always the fear. Next time I’m getting annoyed with someone or feel disappointed in myself I need to ask, What am I so afraid of?
I think there are many answers and in those answers there is truth and in the truth there is healing.
PS I’m thinking of buying a Maine Coon cat. My family/house is already a small freak show, why not add a giganormous cat to the circus? I think it would be awesome.