One year ago

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The last couple of days I’ve had this itchy scratchy feeling. I’ve been thinking about that time in Greece when I blacked out for hours, woke up with a bump in my head, no clue what had happened those last hours in that apartment next door where that other family lived and where I had ended up after a very wine-filled dinner. Oh damn. I still get those flushes of nausea and shame. Turns out it was this day, the 19th of July. The 20th really was such a terrible terrible day in my life … But I survived. But if I had had a day like that now? I don’t think I could have coped. See I had soooo many of those days then. It is so sad how used I was to having those days. So many days that were only spent trying to survive, to get through, to put behind me, to forget. So many days that were just my life on pause. Angstridden, stinking of alcohol, panicky, trying to put together all those blurry pieces into something whole.

My life at the moment isn’t especially pleasant but compared to that level of anxiety? Then I’m like a fucking zen monk living at a spa.

I’m going to get a clinical assessment regarding high functioning autism/ADHD. The appointments are just a few days after I celebrate my first soberversary (FYI 26th of August if you wanna be all prepared with the flowers and cake and diamonds.) I have never in my entire life entertained the thought that I could be an aspie. Sure I’m a bit weird but I have always stayed on the right side of weird as in quirky, artsy, unusual but in a rocknroll cool chick muse sort of way not smelly lady who talks in a toothbrush and wears a cape of pig skin. Not that unusual, just unusual enough. Then my boys were getting all sorts of red flags at school and the thought of autism were all of a sudden a reality. My oldest one did the WISC IV and it turns out he’s a god damn genious (IQ of 151!!) and then everyone stopped talking and thought this must be the explanation to his rigid ways and slight weird behaviour. But then we persisted and no, turns out he’s just clever enough to be able to mask most of the things that the autism causes him. So of course I did the only reasonable thing to do: I read all the books and all of the internet. Twice. And then I stumbled across this: http://help4aspergers.com/female-as-traits/

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I don’t really have the time to tell you how strongly I was affected when I read this, it was a pure physical sensation. My constant state of unease could perhaps have this one (1) explanation instead of all of those other explanations to why I always had been slightly depressed, constantly stressed out, dreading all social events and just feeling so utterly, totally alone.

Autism (as intelligence by the way :D) is hereditary, there’s something in my genes (and most likely my husbands as well because that would explain A LOT when it come to my mother in law) and it is because of my children I was finally able to see this as a possible explanation. For that I will always be grateful to them. Together we’ll make this work, I’m sure of it.

One last thing. High functioning. High functioning alcoholic, high functioning autist, high functioning ANYTHING … that really is the shittiest place to be. That only means you’re able to pull it off, the charade, the constant theatre where you play the person that has her shit together even though it’s blatantly obvious that not a single little shit holds together. But oh the effort. The work. The energy that goes into playing that part every day. So exhausting and you’re rewarded by getting absolutely no help at all because everyone thinks you have a handle on things. Gah.

 

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8 thoughts on “One year ago

  1. Wow. This list is my 12 year old daughter. 100%.
    I work on alexithymia with a therapist. It is an inability to understand emotional response. Most therapists see a link between it and autism.
    I have always felt awkward and confused by people. I still am, but I am much more willing to just say so. It’s easier than constantly trying to read situations.
    I think the more we know the better we can function. I have actually refused to see my daughters personality as anything other than a phase…but I may reconsider.

    Thank you for sharing this.
    Anne

    Liked by 3 people

    • Oh this made me so happy (and sad, you know what I mean). Girls are still not being seen, not being diagnosed, just sliding under the radar. I also thought I might be alexithymic but this just explains it all, including those sensory issues and … Yes. If you haven’t heard of him before I recommend you to watch Tony Attwood on youtube. A very lovely man and one of the world’s leading people when it comes to autism in girls. Thank you, Anne. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      • I will do that.
        And I will talk to Cleo’s therapist. Cleo often tells me she feels she has ADHD. She is very messy and does have a hard time staying focused. But once she’s interested in something she is fixated.

        It is easy to dismiss many of these things…

        Liked by 2 people

  2. This is so interesting, and I am glad you are getting some good information to help you!
    I love your last paragraph, because it speaks the truth for me.
    And I too, can once in awhile be overcome with a shameful situation that involved drinking from the past.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  3. There’s a lot of me that I recognise in that chart, I first read it a while back and it was pretty surprising. I understand what you mean by being strangely comforted by the recognition. I also scored 37 on the AQ online test when 32 is the point at which high functioning autism could be considered. I’ve thought about trying to get an assessment a few times but never acted on it. In hindsight there was so much that went wrong socially when I was younger but I’m at a point now where I know what I like and what I prefer to avoid. I’ve settled in and grown comfortable being a bit weird and I say ‘normal’ is overrated 😉

    I’ve got one of Tony Attwood’s books, I didn’t know he is on youtube, thanks for sharing that, I’ll check it out.

    I hope you and your family get help and answers from your assessment and whatever happens you’re not going to be dealing with it and suffering those awful hangovers. Congrats on a year!! x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, not quite a year yet but getting there :D. I think the most important thing for me in a weird way is to be able I TOLD YOU SO! Not really as childlike as it may sound, more like … I wasn’t just whining when I freaked out about having people over, I wasn’t just being a whiny spoiled brat when I had severe anxiety every day for 3 months when we were going to a party, I actually was unable to just pull myself together and stop freaking out when my children never stop chatting/making noises/every noise in this house that drives me insane. This aversion against people and difficulties getting my work done might be jigsaws in a single puzzle. Maybe I’m just wired differently and this lifetime of trying to get my act together really has been a struggle. I think I just want that struggle to be validated I guess, that’s more true than ‘I told you so’. I’m not sure I will “qualify” for a diagnosis, I have spent a lifetime mastering this way of acting so at this point in my life I haven’t got a clue what my TRUE response would be, just my rehearsed one. Anyway. Thanks for commenting totw! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Zen monk living in a spa is a pretty good result! Sometimes it can be a relief when you are diagnosed or can recognise that you are on a spectrum of a known condition. It’s made it easier for me to deal with my bipolar. I’m so incredibly proud of you for having made it a year sober. You are doing amazing things! xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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