I’ve been thinking about fear. The thing that seems to be the root cause to every shitty decision I have ever made or not have had the guts to make. I can’t believe how scared I was one year ago. I had really started to give up on myself. I had tried and failed and tried and failed so many times that I was on the verge of giving up. And August last year? Things were really rapidly spinning out of control. I had been working so hard and then I fucked up in Greece and then of course I was doing the all or nothing-thing. Well now I failed again so let’s get so incredibly shitfaced that you end up blacking out almost every night. Days spent just trying to survive, days spent in a haze of anxiety and dread and feeling like the worst person on earth. And STILL that seemed preferable to not drinking at all? That’s one powerful feeling of fear right there.
There’s another thing I’ve thought a lot about. Why did it stick that one time? What was it that separated this “I will never drink again!” from all the others? I can only really see two differences. I had made a friend on the internet, a woman that I thought was my long lost twin. She was struggling the same way I was struggling and just being able to unload all those crazy angry sad thoughts on her really helped me, i.e reaching out. Since then she has gone missing, like people are able to do on the internet. I miss her every single day. The other thing that was different this time around was that for a single second all of a sudden I felt angry instead of sad and miserable. For one moment I managed to stop hating myself and getting so fucking angry and tired of the quit/start/quit/start-cycle. I was fed up with it. And then I was angry. And you know what? Angry gets shit done. Don’t give up even if you have tried and failed a thousand times. You never know when it will stick. You can never tell which time it will finally happen.
Don’t give up.