Fear

I’ve been thinking about fear. The thing that seems to be the root cause to every shitty decision I have ever made or not have had the guts to make. I can’t believe how scared I was one year ago. I had really started to give up on myself. I had tried and failed and tried and failed so many times that I was on the verge of giving up. And August last year? Things were really rapidly spinning out of control. I had been working so hard and then I fucked up in Greece and then of course I was doing the all or nothing-thing. Well now I failed again so let’s get so incredibly shitfaced that you end up blacking out almost every night. Days spent just trying to survive, days spent in a haze of anxiety and dread and feeling like the worst person on earth. And STILL that seemed preferable to not drinking at all? That’s one powerful feeling of fear right there.

There’s another thing I’ve thought a lot about. Why did it stick that one time? What was it that separated this “I will never drink again!” from all the others? I can only really see two differences. I had made a friend on the internet, a woman that I thought was my long lost twin. She was struggling the same way I was struggling and just being able to unload all those crazy angry sad thoughts on her really helped me, i.e reaching out. Since then she has gone missing, like people are able to do on the internet. I miss her every single day. The other thing that was different this time around was that for a single second all of a sudden I felt angry instead of sad and miserable. For one moment I managed to stop hating myself and getting so fucking angry and tired of the quit/start/quit/start-cycle. I was fed up with it. And then I was angry. And you know what? Angry gets shit done. Don’t give up even if you have tried and failed a thousand times. You never know when it will stick. You can never tell which time it will finally happen.

Don’t give up.

 

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8 thoughts on “Fear

  1. If I of all people can do it, anyone can. Yes. Exactly how I feel too.
    I could have written this myself. Why did it stick this time?
    Anger rings true. And reaching out. Saying out loud that I was suffering. Acknowledging that even if I drank “like everyone else” it was killing me.

    I held on to fear very tightly. It seems so silly in hindsight. But that’s partly why I blog. Perhaps someone will hear the beautiful potential sobriety and bring and it will help them leave the fear behind.

    Awesome post. Thank you.
    Anne

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Oh yes, the constant fear when drinking. And the ‘need’ to drink more just to have some time without the fear. This post is bringing back memories. Thank you, I had forgotten.
    My therapist says that anger/agression helps us to ‘regroup’ internally. That agression is a usefull emotion to get things done. I think I agree with him. 🙂
    I am happy I quit. Happy we found a way out of that hell hole. 🙂 Thank you for your post.
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Fear of a life wasted and a family destroyed by alcohol motivated me last year. The fear slowly turned to anger and there is a place for that. As long as it’s channelled in the right way. Looking back now i can see I was living in fear and denial for such a long time. Not exactly a recipe for a happy life. Moving slowly into truth and love…baby steps though. xx

    Like

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