Control freak

I just had a realisation. Probably very obvious for everyone else but the thought never struck me before:

I think the main reason I have depression/anxiety/feel stressed out is because I still believe I can control things. My life, my children, my husband, work, other people. And if I believe I can control things that means I am responsible for them. So that means I walk around believing I am responsible for everything that goes on around me. That in some ways I am some sort of demi god that has to solve everything for everyone. No wonder I feel exhausted and tired – that’s a lot of responsibility!

Now how do I make this thought travel from my conscious brain to the place where all the feelings dwell and from there to where I can actually change my behaviour?

It’s not a very pleasant thing to realise that I really am that self-centered.  I understand that it didn’t start out as a purely ego centrical behaviour but rather as a way to cope with chaos in life, but still. I realise that as a small child, when horrendous and incomprehensible things happen, that you need to make sense of it all. And one way to make sense is to take blame, and if you take the blame you can prevent things like that from ever happening again. But I am all grown up now. How do I stop believing that everything is my fault/responsibility/up to me?


2 thoughts on “Control freak

  1. Realizing this has been such a big deal for me. I relate completely! Weirdly/amazingly since I began to accept that I am NOT in control of most things I have begun to feel more in control of myself. Hopefully your experience will be similar! xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. OMG I can relate to this. I also feel responsible for everyone. Try ‘The Work’ by Byron Katie, it may not be your cup of tea but it has helped me enormously. She talks about 3 kinds of business. 1) My business 2) Other people’s business 3) God’s business.
    The stress happens when we are in other people’s and Gods business becasue we have no controll over that, so we are left feeling powerless and defeated. I have to keep doing ‘the work’ on my stressful thoughts because I fall back into old thinking patterns really easily.

    Liked by 1 person

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